Dear Volleyball,
You are more than a competitive sport to me. You are more than a game I play for a living. You are much more than I ever imagined you to be. You mean more to me now than my twelve-year-old self could ever comprehend. Let me tell you why. I struggled with self-worth from a young age. This world tries to shame us to believe we are not good enough. I fell into that trap at an early age. I let my physical appearance define me and make me fell less than. My smile was crooked. My bottom jaw protruded much farther than my upper jaw. I had an underbite. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of life. I know that now. However. When I could not find my place in this world, I found it in you. When I experienced major anxiety every picture day, I found a confident version of myself at practice. When I dreaded public speaking, speeches and meeting new people, I craved to be in the spotlight on the court. When I felt fear in every day life, I found courage in you. When I felt lost, you gave me purpose. You kept me above the water throughout my life. I found my identity through you. If you were not there, I am not sure where I would be. I am not sure I would be here. I have to apologize for how I treated you as I got older. As time went on I began to resent you for the same reason I now love you. You were my scapegoat. I blamed you for feeling like I did not have a purpose outside of the sport. I blamed you for taking me away from life's big events. I blamed you for the distance in my relationships. I blamed you for the void I often felt. I am sorry I forgot how much you did for me. I wanted to prove to myself that I was more than just a volleyball player. I took things into my own hands and left you. Not once, but multiple times. You did your job as best you could. I stepped away from you more times than I would like to admit. But, you came back to me in the most miraculous of ways. I thank God for that one. He knew I needed you. You always provided me a space to be myself with out limits. You showed me the world. You introduced me to my greatest friends. You gave me all life’s most memorable experiences. I am entering my sixth season on the Canadian Women's National team. I have sixteen years of playing you under my belt. It makes me weep. Like really sob. I thank you. I thank God for placing you in my life. Time and time again. I have to tell you something though. I do not feel like I need you any more. But, I want you. I want to play for all those years you gave me. I want to show you what you mean to me. Now that I have found my worth in God's love, I can give you the love you deserve. It is not about what you can do for me any more. It is about what I can do for you. And when I am running my 14th suicide in practice this summer, I hope to always remember that. You were there. You saved my life. Truly. Love, Me.
0 Comments
|
Author: Megan Cyr Born and raised in Canada. College educated in America. Currently residing wherever volleyball takes me. Archives
April 2019
|