The Sport That Saved Me

Dear Volleyball,

You are more than a competitive sport to me.

You are more than a game I play for a living.

You are much more than I ever imagined you to be.

You mean more to me now than my twelve-year-old self could ever comprehend.

Let me tell you why.

I struggled with self-worth from a young age.

This world tries to shame us to believe we are not good enough.

I fell into that trap at an early age.

I let my physical appearance define me and make me fell less than.

My smile was crooked. My bottom jaw protruded much farther than my upper jaw.

I had an underbite.

Not a big deal in the grand scheme of life. I know that now.

However.

When I could not find my place in this world, I found it in you.

When I experienced major anxiety every picture day, I found a confident version of myself at practice.

When I dreaded public speaking, speeches and meeting new people, I craved to be in the spotlight on the court.

When I felt fear in every day life, I found courage in you.

When I felt lost, you gave me purpose.

You kept me above the water throughout my life.

I found my identity through you.

If you were not there, I am not sure where I would be.

I am not sure I would be here.

I have to apologize for how I treated you as I got older.

As time went on I began to resent you for the same reason I now love you.

You were my scapegoat.

I blamed you for feeling like I did not have a purpose outside of the sport.

I blamed you for taking me away from life's big events.

I blamed you for the distance in my relationships.

I blamed you for the void I often felt.

I am sorry I forgot how much you did for me.

I wanted to prove to myself that I was more than just a volleyball player.

I took things into my own hands and left you.

Not once, but multiple times.

You did your job as best you could.

I stepped away from you more times than I would like to admit.

But, you came back to me in the most miraculous of ways.

I thank God for that one.

He knew I needed you.

You always provided me a space to be myself with out limits.

You showed me the world.

You introduced me to my greatest friends.

You gave me all life’s most memorable experiences.

I am entering my sixth season on the Canadian Women's National team.

I have sixteen years of playing you under my belt.

It makes me weep.

Like really sob.

I thank you.

I thank God for placing you in my life.

Time and time again.

I have to tell you something though.

I do not feel like I need you any more.

But, I want you.

I want to play for all those years you gave me.

I want to show you what you mean to me.

Now that I have found my worth in God's love, I can give you the love you deserve.

It is not about what you can do for me any more.

It is about what I can do for you.

And when I am running my 14th suicide in practice this summer, I hope to always remember that.

You were there.

You saved my life. Truly.

Love, Me.