Fleeting No More

My worth used to be based on people’s opinions of me. The love I had for myself was a direct reflection of the love I received from others.

Previous life goal: make everyone love you.

It is a neat thing, being saved. I am able to see a direct comparison of what my life used to be to what it is now.

Every. Single. Day.

The most recent and drastic comparison was made on my way home from a three-week trip. I traveled to four different states to visit my best friends from college.

First, a glimpse of what a vacation used to feel like.

My mind was filled with selfish thoughts, my ego was often boosted, and my trips lacked purpose.

I used to be on a high when I visited a friend or vacationed. I felt entitled to a good time. I deserved a great life and awesome experience.

Ridiculous thoughts would fill my head.

“I must be a pretty cool person.”

“I guess I am doing something right to go here or there and be with this person or that one.”

“Wow, look at me. Living my best life!”

Now, imagine when a trip did not go as planned.

Some trips were just not as magnificent as I dreamed up in my head weeks before.

Leading to more thoughts from the silly little guy in my head.

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“I feel so sorry for myself.”

“This is not how I wanted the trip to go.”

Me, me, me. Exhausting.

However, this trip was different. Totally different. The entire trip from start to finish.

I realized nothing about a good time is about me.

It is about Him.

I am on an airplane home from my trip and I am completely humbled by the blessings in my life.

I am worthy solely because I am His.

I swear six months ago this would be a totally different experience.

I would be on the plane home, feeling on top of the world. Feeling like I must have done something right.

I always made the trip, experience, and opportunities about me.

Today, I am on the way home in a state of peace.

No highs, no lows. Just contentment in my heart.

I have joy.

I was humbled by my friends who gave me gifts or wrote me cards after our time together. I was surprised by their gestures, as I was the one who should be thanking them.

Their kind words filled my heart. My soul felt lighter.

But, their words no longer defined me.

I used to base my worth on what my friends wrote or said about me. I lived for peer affirmation. Reading cards over and over again to confirm all the good things I wanted to believe about myself.

Now, I can read those cards with a sense of gratitude for my friends and for God’s love.

It is and never was about me.

I wanted this trip to be different than the rest.

I did not want to go on a vacation and just bask in all of it’s glory.

I wanted to bask in His glory.

And that I did.

One message I recieved from a sermon during my time in California was this:

“The world tells us to chase happiness, but happiness is fleeting.”

That one hit me deep.

One of those moments that takes your breath away and sends chills through your bones.

A realization that I no longer chase happiness.

What a relief.

I began my trip with a content heart and joy for this world.

I came home the same.

Oh and if you are wondering my new life goal:

love everyone, even the birds.